6/18/22 – 6/23/22

The waters off of La Paz, Baja are as aqua-blue as they come. And, its beaches are as white as ground-up pearls. The beaches make me feel like I am safe. The ocean is warm and inviting. There are little to no waves. The Sea of Cortez seems like it doesn’t hold terrors in its depths. Yet, I know that down somewhere in its deeper cobalt-blue waters lye some form of danger. I feel like life is like that. All can seem perfect, blissful. But without warning, everything can turn.

A few years ago I used to farm veggies. I was an organic farmer and I had a wonderful companion by my side – his name was Winston. Winston was one of those dogs that seemed to never do wrong. He rarely needed a leash, loved to eat, and was very perceptive. He was full of joy, love and tenderness. I see now how special his soul is. I remember the joy I used to feel by having him by my side. I loved him deeply. 

One day, on the farm I worked at tragedy struck. Winston was sleeping in the shade behind me while I was cleaning recently harvested veggies for market. I was focusing on my task of removing the dirt from lettuce that was still warm from the morning’s sun. Then, I heard a vehicle pulling up behind me. I remember thinking that the vehicle was moving rather quickly and that is when I remembered where Winston was. I turned just as he was run over by the farm van. He yelped. I saw his face as he searched for me. I ran to him and collected him in my arms. I remember thinking how much I loved him and how I wanted to take his pain away. I was praying he would not die. I was praying it was just a broken rib or a broken leg. Not his life. I quickly got in the van and told my co-worker to get me to the vet as fast as possible.

He died as I put him on the veterinarian’s table. It was one of those days that I will never forget. Time seemed to come to a complete stop. For days after I felt shell-shocked. My body felt tense and numb at the same time. I cried alone in my bed during the nights and didn’t know what to think. The tears just kept coming. Why was I there? What the hell happened? My best friend was gone.

Grief is something that I am still attempting to understand. I still don’t know how to completely live with it. But I am learning how to process it, little by little.

As time has passed, I question how and why he was killed. I had gotten into a disagreement with the person who was driving the van only hours previous to the incident. I tend to think it wasn’t an accident, due to a number of factors. But I will never know for sure.

A few months ago I attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat at a Vipassana center. The experience was impactful, to the say the least. It was the first time in my life that I was able traverse my mind in a probing manner for days without interruption. I sat with myself in silence for a very long time – more than some will possibly do in their entire lives. A large part of the meditation practice at Vipassana centers focuses on one’s ability to accept. To accept reality. To accept the way life unfolds. The truth. That single message has helped me overcome some of the greatest challenges I have faced in this existence.

My meditation practice took me to a place that I only thought plant medicines in conjunction with indigenous shamans could take me to. Yet, Vipassana and its Buddhist teachers took me to what I consider to be the “unified field.” Where consciousness and matter are one of the same. It amazes me that monks and mystics are able to transcend realms through different means. And it amazes me even more that those same people were able to explore their own minds with such precision and determination for such extensive periods of time, which allowed for them to unleash such powerful teachings.

Acceptance is still hard. I still find my mind wondering what would have been had I acted differently with my ex-fiancé. Would I be a father? Would we have a home? I also still wonder what my life would be like if Winston hadn’t been killed. Would I have stayed farming at that organic farm? How might that have impacted my life? But those questions can continue on forever. The mind, I realize, will not stop wandering. As much as it hurts, Winston is no longer here. For some reason his life was meant to end that day. And as much as I yearn for the ability to change some of my actions from my last relationship, I cannot. That relationship came to an end, and that is the way this life unfolded. I can only accept that. It was the truth.

This Earth is full of aqua blue lagoons that caress you, and nourish your soul. Yet just beyond healing waters lye deeper, darker blue waters that can end life and relations. In other words, life and death are swirling all around. It is up to us to accept that truth.